🇬🇧🇺🇸I am a survivor or my suicide attempt

Heavy topic I know, but I think it is time to write it down. Tomorrow, starts my first internship and the chance that this stuff is surfacing is high. So I see this also as an excise to be prepared for tomorrow.
Another reason why I am also got motivated to finally speak about this horrific experience is the story of Kevin Hines.
I will link one, two videos about him after my own story further down I think…
I like to pick one fact out of his own. He jumped from the iconic Golden Gate Bridge, the moment he was in freefall, he regretted his decision, but wasn't able of course to undo what he started.
Something similar happened on my own try to end my life. After I started, I was also unable to stop it, even tho I regretted it.

Before I am starting, I like to point out, if you are now having suicidal thought now, stop reading and ask for help. Your situation may seem hopeless, but, speaking from my own experience if you seek professional help, chance to get better is high.

Here a few international addresses (from the countries, where my most blog views are coming from) if you are having suicidal thought right now

https://www.143.ch (Switzerland)

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org (USA)

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Getting-help.aspx (UK)
https://www.suicide-ecoute.fr (France)

http://www.telefonseelsorge.de/ (Germany)

http://telefonzaufania.org/ (Poland)
https://www.113.nl/ (Netherlands)
For other countries I found this

Was important for me to point this out. Now without further ado my story (short version)

Saturday 30th April 2016

I was relatively doing good and had a day off in the clinic. I was allowed to go home for the day.
The Saturday was uneventful, but nice at home. After arriving at the clinic, I returned my stuff in my room and was heading towards the living room to hear from the other patients about their own weekend. Suddenly a nurse stood in front of my, very agitated and asked me about my weekend.
It was the first time I spoke to this particular nurse and I din’t liked the way she talked to me.
I felt as I have done some crime and where under investigation from her.
The „Interview“ lasted over 30 minutes and I felt like shit afterwards.
Anyways, a hour later I went to my bed and slept. I had a bad night as the talk with the nurse still disturbed me.

Sunday 1st May 2016

Wasn’t feeling that great in the morning. Day got better tho. Spoke with nice patients.
Before 11, I was in my room, the nurse from the last night entered my room.
To shorten the story, the talk started bad and then went south. I felt so pressured.
From other patients I heard, that we both screamed and shouted.
After the talk with the nurse, a lovely lady came to me and told me she prepared a relaxing bath for me. What a nice gesture. She heard the fight and thought after this I could use some relaxation.
I went to the bath, but wasn’t able to relax. The fight and thought that came with it disturbed me massively. Here a couple of my thought then:

I am a failure

I can’t get healed

My situation is hopeless

Nobody understands me

I am not worth living

Continue living makes no sense

And on and on with negative thoughts and feelings.

Then a plan was formed and taken. It was just before Lunch. I got out of the bath, cleaned it and got dressed. I waited for the food to arrive, as I knew that the nurses are then occupied.
Than came the chance and I took it. I got a blanket as it was cold and rainy outside. I really thought, that when I am going to take me life now, that it doesn’t have to be uncomfortable.
Strange how the mind works in extreme situations.
I left the clinic unnoticed by the staff. At that time I had panic attacks when being outside usually. The thought and wish to die was so strong, that the panic wasn't able to stop me. I lived the majority of my life in the city that is next to the place where the clinic is placed. So I knew every stone in the area.
Meanwhile the other patients informed the staff that I left. They informed the Police. But neither the staff nor the police where able to find and catch me.
I was taking any direct way, which also meant, that I was walking through flowerbeds if that was the directs way.
I went back a week later, after that day to have a look, my goodness me… It was terrible clear where I bulldozed my way trough. A lot of flowers, lettuce and other plants where destroyed by me that day.
Returning to the situation.
A thought came to my mind, that I was close to the cemetery. I changed direction and went there.
I visited graves of people I knew and said to them, that they please welcome me in a few minutes when I am arrived over there.

I left the cemetery and went to the train station. Arrived there, I where taking all the rest of my strength and energy that where left and jumped on the rails.
A conductor, 5 platforms away saw me and closed the Translation for all trains.
Meanwhile I where hiding underneath my blanket. Thought behind it was, that I didn’t wanted to be seen, and that the conductor of the arriving train wasn't seeing my face. I was trying to prevent that the conductor would see my face for the rest of his life.
Whilst lying on the rails, suddenly a thought came to my mind. I where regretting jumping on the the rails. The next thought then was terrible. I used all my energy left by jumping on the rails. I had no energy left to get up and out of harms way.
Suddenly I was afraid of dying, but wasn't able to change the situation.
Only seconds later, 4 Policemen helped me of the rails. I wasn’t fighting them if you think, why it took 4 of them to get my out. I was’n able to help them. My body was paralyzed.
The Police took me back to the clinic, where I was logically put into the padded cell.
I got from this additionally traumatized.
In that moment I felt like the king of failures. I wasn't even able to end my life properly - what a failures. Gladly my point of view of today is different compared to then.
Bottom line, it was a bad decision trying to end my life and I got unnecessary traumatized. A really bad 1st of May.

Jumping back to today, a super hot day, end of July 2017

It was quite emotionally writing my story down, even tho it is the shortened version. What stays is the gratitude of having given a second chance. And I am using my second life to help other patients, currently in crisis to find hope and to start their own recovery way.

The decision to start my education as a Peer is the right one - for me.

Returning to the start of the post and the story of Kevin Hines (Golden Gate Survivor). He regretted the decision to jump the millisecond he was in free fall. Same goes for me and I spoken to several other survivors. The theme is the same. Unable to stop what we started, the regret of doing it and the wish to live.

My sincerely advise, if you are currently thinking about ending your life - just don’t do it
Seek professionally help

A mental health clinic of today has nothing to do with the movies we all seen. The psychotherapy is far more advanced compered to before 20 or 50 years ago.
The Recovery/Peer Movement is further improving the clinics. It takes time but it is moving slowly in the right direction.
Is it perfect - no far from it, but mental illnesses and the problems with it can be handled.
I avoid of saying can be healed.
I am also not healed and most likely won’t get for the rest of my life. I started walking my own recovery way. I have learned techniques to cope with my handicap. My life quality has increases since I don't try to be, being the same person before the crisis.
I have more friends that like me for the person I am now compared to before, when I tried to act as normal or perfect behind a mask.
When you attempt a suicide you don’t think about the people left behind. You actually can’t think about them as there is basically only room for one thought in that instance - I don’t wanna live.

Also that people, close to you getting afraid when you arrive later then expected is a fact that was shocking to hear for me. With my - luckily unsuccessful try to end my life, I effected and shocked so many persons, that I wasn’t thinking about, in my crisis.

My story is surely not as spectacular as the one of Kevin, thats why I only write about it and don’t make a documentary, but my story is also worth of being heard and read :-)
The main consensus of his and my attempt is that, when we started it we weren't at able to stop it ourselves, even tho we regretted our decision and wanted to live.

Kevin Hines project http://suicidetherippleeffect.com is quite inspirational.
I hope, when his film is finished, that he will present it in Switzerland. I would love to meet him.

So thats it for this heavy topic at the moment.
Thanks for reading.

Take care night owls

Best regards,
Dirk P. Flörchinger
@Swiss_Peer